Wireless!
Wireless internet just rocks. I'm currently sitting in class surfing the net: selling things on craigslist, checking my email and blogging. My school, City University, just installed wireless for us students. It a little strange as they have two computer labs on campus and it really seems like it wouldn't be a good idea to have students surfing the web during class... humm. I get pretty bored in class and I spent most of the summer writing my papers in class. My laptop was the best investment I made when I started school. The classmates who knew what I was doing were jealous. The teachers just assume I'm taking notes :).
About me; I am 37 year old who suddenly found herself a single mother when my partner of 10 years had a three day affair and walked out 7 days before Christmas two years ago (Merry Christmas to me). I had been a stay at home Mom to our then 18 month old son. My main concern was the dramatic changes this would mean to his life, the sudden disappearance of someone who was a very involved and loving parent ( 1 or 2 days a week just isn't the same to a little boy who ran to greet his other Mom at the door each day at 4pm) new house, new town, and the possibility of loosing the other Mom (me) 50 hours a week to a full-time job, while suddenly being put into daycare. Way too much sudden change. My parents came to the rescue an offered us a place to live (free mother-in-law apartment) while I went back to school part-time and continued to remain the primary daily caregiver for my son. The split was UGLY, it was legally, financially, logistically, and of course emotionally a nightmare. Its amazing that someone you thought you knew so well, could surprise you with such crappy behavior and choices. Like I said 10 years, we owned a house together and had a child together. I had to fight her in court to even move with our son to be near my family (only 3 hours away).
Her version is something like--- she wasn't happy for years (at one point she claimed to have been miserable for 10 years), and apparently met someone who could make her happy (the night she left she immediately moved in with this new woman). I was completely caught off guard, I didn't get that she was unhappy. Well, all the parents I knew were in the same boat. Once you have kids...well those first few years are all about the baby, and just trying to catch up on sleep, sleep, sleep. Anyway my opinion is that once you have kids you don't really have the luxury of walking out of a relationship anymore, you're walking out on the "family" forever altering the future of your child/ren. Now that may be good OR it may be bad for the kids, but that is the reality.
My son is now being raised by a single Mom...that immediately puts him at risk for academic and emotional challenges - he is forever at a disadvantage to most kids with intact families. This is not the life I wanted for my son.
On the bright side, we are very fortunate. My family and friends have really supported us emotionally and financially. I changed course and decided to begin a career that would allow me the most time to be available for my son. I'm finishing up my Masters in Teaching and I will hopefully have a full time job in the fall of 2006. What better career for a Mom? Especially a single Mom.
As for my ex.. she did a crappy thing and forever altered my life and my son's life, but she is a pretty good "ex" when it comes to co-parenting. She treats him well, and seems to really love him. She is positive and consistent with her interactions. I've met a lot of single Mom's in the past two years and I feel very fortunate that I'm sending my son to a responsible, kind person everyother weekend. I'm really glad my son has a good relationship with my "ex" it would break my heart to send him somewhere he didn't want to go everyother week. (well, sometimes he doesn't want to go, but it's rare and he doesn't get upset and cry).
Wow, I think that is a fairly detailed history of things...too much free time here in class :)
I'm just grateful for all I have!
M
Wireless internet just rocks. I'm currently sitting in class surfing the net: selling things on craigslist, checking my email and blogging. My school, City University, just installed wireless for us students. It a little strange as they have two computer labs on campus and it really seems like it wouldn't be a good idea to have students surfing the web during class... humm. I get pretty bored in class and I spent most of the summer writing my papers in class. My laptop was the best investment I made when I started school. The classmates who knew what I was doing were jealous. The teachers just assume I'm taking notes :).
About me; I am 37 year old who suddenly found herself a single mother when my partner of 10 years had a three day affair and walked out 7 days before Christmas two years ago (Merry Christmas to me). I had been a stay at home Mom to our then 18 month old son. My main concern was the dramatic changes this would mean to his life, the sudden disappearance of someone who was a very involved and loving parent ( 1 or 2 days a week just isn't the same to a little boy who ran to greet his other Mom at the door each day at 4pm) new house, new town, and the possibility of loosing the other Mom (me) 50 hours a week to a full-time job, while suddenly being put into daycare. Way too much sudden change. My parents came to the rescue an offered us a place to live (free mother-in-law apartment) while I went back to school part-time and continued to remain the primary daily caregiver for my son. The split was UGLY, it was legally, financially, logistically, and of course emotionally a nightmare. Its amazing that someone you thought you knew so well, could surprise you with such crappy behavior and choices. Like I said 10 years, we owned a house together and had a child together. I had to fight her in court to even move with our son to be near my family (only 3 hours away).
Her version is something like--- she wasn't happy for years (at one point she claimed to have been miserable for 10 years), and apparently met someone who could make her happy (the night she left she immediately moved in with this new woman). I was completely caught off guard, I didn't get that she was unhappy. Well, all the parents I knew were in the same boat. Once you have kids...well those first few years are all about the baby, and just trying to catch up on sleep, sleep, sleep. Anyway my opinion is that once you have kids you don't really have the luxury of walking out of a relationship anymore, you're walking out on the "family" forever altering the future of your child/ren. Now that may be good OR it may be bad for the kids, but that is the reality.
My son is now being raised by a single Mom...that immediately puts him at risk for academic and emotional challenges - he is forever at a disadvantage to most kids with intact families. This is not the life I wanted for my son.
On the bright side, we are very fortunate. My family and friends have really supported us emotionally and financially. I changed course and decided to begin a career that would allow me the most time to be available for my son. I'm finishing up my Masters in Teaching and I will hopefully have a full time job in the fall of 2006. What better career for a Mom? Especially a single Mom.
As for my ex.. she did a crappy thing and forever altered my life and my son's life, but she is a pretty good "ex" when it comes to co-parenting. She treats him well, and seems to really love him. She is positive and consistent with her interactions. I've met a lot of single Mom's in the past two years and I feel very fortunate that I'm sending my son to a responsible, kind person everyother weekend. I'm really glad my son has a good relationship with my "ex" it would break my heart to send him somewhere he didn't want to go everyother week. (well, sometimes he doesn't want to go, but it's rare and he doesn't get upset and cry).
Wow, I think that is a fairly detailed history of things...too much free time here in class :)
I'm just grateful for all I have!
M
posted by One Boys Mom at
10:33 AM
5 Comments:
I also followed you here from Casey's blog. I'm so sorry that your ex put you in this situation, but good for you for taking charge of your life and creating a good situation for the both of you.
But I have to disagree that just by being raised by a single mom that Declan is automatically at risk for academic and emotional challenges. Most studies that have found this, it's usually as a result of the poverty that the kids have grown up in, not as a result of being raised by a single mom. And not all single moms families are living in poverty, not by a long shot. Okay, I'm biased since I am a single mom, but you sound like a wonderful, loving mother, that's what he needs, what any kid needs.
By
Laura, at 6:25 PM
I have also been to your site in the last few weeks (following Casey). I have a ton to say on the issue but the short version is that I know I am a good parent who puts my son first whenever possible and neccesary. I am loving, supportive, structured, and so much more. However having been both a "co-parent" and a "single parent", I KNOW I would be an EVEN BETTER parent if I had the support of a partner. I've had it both ways and something just HAS to give when you are doing it alone. Parenting is incredibly hard and draining and like anything in life - the load is lighter if shared. And what really pisses me off is my ex who "loves Declan every bit as much as me (riiiight)" dared to compromised his quality of life in ANY way in ANY amount. For sarters I could never imagine going a week or two or whatever without seeing him and at the very least when she walked out she was giving up HALF his life..HALF. I can't imagine walking away from that. And in the end when I moved she lost out on 90% of his life.
Sorry if I sound defensive, but I am. I also know how I feel and what my life was like then and what it is now. I would do it all again for Declan, but being a single Mom sucks as compared to having someone come home every day at 4pm to share the journey with. (Okay a bit off task here...but my quality of life definately effects Declan's quality of life)
I'm happy with my life in so many ways, really -I'm thankful for all I have, but...the bottom line is I'm in this alone and I see it being that way for the next 10 years (more on that in a later blog).
O
By
One Boys Mom, at 8:00 PM
You know what's weird? I mean - besides the fact that everyone is following me around *wink*. I was actually going to write a simliar thread tonight on my blog - about how Dakota starts classes again on Monday - about how stressed out I am about it because it means I am virtually a single parent 95% of the time. The point of my post was going to be how I feel like I am a MUCH better parent when Dakota is with us then when she is not. The past 4 weeks really brought this home to me. When I am "Mommy on Duty" I'm short tempered, tired, low on energy, overwhelmed, overworked and over everything and anything else you can think of but when Dakota is here to share it all with - I am so much more patient, playful.....fun.
I'm only going at this from MY perspective - I'm a SAHM with 2 kids, with little to no child-free time. No "me" time to speak of.
I know that Mistayln shares the same basic background - and then she added school, studying, internship, etc. So perhaps her experience in similar.
Laura, I know you work outside the home full-time which probably gives you the time to fullfill yourself in various ways, run some errands while being child-free, and in general, re-energize yourself.
Ok - so maybe this addresses somewhat the being a better parent inside the structure of a relationship.
As for the social and acedemic risk part of it - I'm not sure I agree with that part the way it is written and may be coming across. I think that if you go into parenting solo on purpose and have worked out the financial and emotional sides then I would say that your child is no more at risk than any other child. HOWEVER I think this statement MAY be true if you went into parenthood with a partner and then you are suddenly, without warning, a single parent.
In this case, you didn't have the time or resources to have put financial and emotional resources into action. For Mistalyn the break up was sudden, she was a full-time SAHM mom with no income of her own. The house was sold and she needed to make a move. She could either stay where she was and pay a huge amount of money, work full-time in any job she could get quickly (vs. a career), put her son into daycare and try to survive OR she could move to her childhood town and stay with her parents (eventually building a mother-in-law apaprtment for space). Then she could return to school and eventually find a career.
So for her - the chance that she was putting her son at risk was very real. But for Laura, I don't think this was (or is) the case.
I think this is one of those times when the statement needs to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.
And....now I think I will just cut and paste this onto my blog and save myself some time. :)
Laura - I think you are a GREAT mom.
Mistalyn - I think you are a GREAT mom, too!
You're both single moms but you both took VERY different routes. It's easy to see where the views would not match. :)
By
Casey, at 8:25 PM
I commented on this in Casey's blog, but I guess the difference is going into parenting knowing you'll be a single parent vs. suddenly being one. You feel a loss in your quality of life and Declan's because you had different expectations. I've never had any other expectation than that I would be the sole parent, that I'd do it without the support of a partner. If you've never had something, you don't miss it. Frankly, I'm not sure how I'd be able adjust having to parent with a partner, I'm so used to doing it alone. I like being a single mom, so for me it doesn't suck. But again, it's expectations, you didn't go into planning to be single, so the same experience, but experienced two different ways, kwim?
But my comment was not on that Declan or you have had a loss in your life, but only toward the comment that he was automatically at risk by being raised by a single mom. I really do believe that the risks that have been studied are more a function of poverty or lack of resources that kids being raised by one parent may be more likely to experience, rather than just the fact that they are being raised by a single parent.
Hugs to you!!!!
By
Laura, at 6:19 PM
I think we just come from very different view, which Casey pointed out.
My issue is that I am currently living in poverty and I do not have the same resources when I was parenting in an intact family. And , The majority of single Moms are in the same position.
I also don't want to imply my life "sucks" because it doesn't. Everytime I'm at a crossroad and have to sacrafice and make choices regarding our future. I just get back to thinking "this sucks, life wasn't suppose to be this way!" I'm having to sacrafice more than I ever imagined to create the best life possible for my son.
BTW your son is a cutey, and I do appreciate your kind comments. I'm really not some angry or bitter person. It's just tough when I have to look, think, talk about this crappy thing that happened to me and my son.
Another divorced mom explained it this way: When you get divorced you have this truck load of crap you suddeenly have to deal with. You work really hard to empty the truck and lighten that burden. Then you get an email or a phone call and more crap gets poured into the back of your truck. The good news is its usually not so full with the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th loads. It's just part of the reality of maintaining a realtionship with your "ex".
By
One Boys Mom, at 9:02 AM
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