Do you ever feel like no one really likes you?

That's one thing that sucks about being single...You don't have that illusion that someone is always there for you...That no matter how bad it gets, someone really likes (loves) you. I realize now that security is an illusion-that you can't count on someone ALWAYS being there for you, but I miss feeling like someone is always on your side...always "likes" you, is always in your corner, no matter what you say or do.

Does that even make sense? And this probably means different things to people who are married, and to those who are single.

Sometimes it's just exhausting facing the world alone, especially as a parent -so here is my rant:

Today, I'm missing my son, and I'm feeling pissed because-"I hate my X"! She is a complete asshole. I hate that she gets to see MY son everyother weekend and she can feel great about being a parent. I hate that she chose to walk away and provide NO emotional support on this journey. EVERY parent is a better parent if they have emotional support. How dare she rob my son of that. I am the single parent of a high energy pre-schooler and I have NO day-to-day support emotionally. That is NOT what we agreed on. How dare she feel like she is a fantastic parent (because I KNOW she thinks that). How dare she she get to enjoy MY son 6 days every month and spoil him and love him and be so PRESENT in her experiences with him without having to deal with the day-to-day realities that parenthood is all about. How dare she not experience the failure you feel as a parent EVERYDAY because you can't be PRESENT emotionally and physically for your child as much as you like, because you have to ignore them to study or grade papers or just clean the house and cook dinner.

How dare her NEVER having to endure his sad voice whining "I don't want to go to school", his begging to stay home with me, his constant complaint of "I hate school, I don't want to have a school day". All I can do is explain it's the way things have to be- but it's not the plan we agreed on -it's not the way it was suppose to be. And that's all I can think about -"this is NOT the way it was suppose to be" as I force my baby into the car and force myself to leave him at daycare . I tell myself it's O.K. that I'm soo lucky and sooo fortunate- that as a single Mom I have so much more support than most women in my situation- but DAMN IT, it's not the way it was suppose to be.

And I cannot and I do not feel responsible for that! I cannot take ownership of that, because I had no choice in being a single parent...Except that I chose my "X" 12 years ago.

My "X" sucks and she IS NOT a good "parent". She is a good person to Declan, but what she is, who she is ,- is NOT what I consider being a parent- especially a mother. I don't call anyone - Man or Woman - who lies, cheats, and walks out on their family a good parent, guess that's just my messed up ,conservative, old-school perspective.

(Now she would say she didn't walk out on Declan -just me. Well, my perspective is once you have a child, you no longer have the luxury of walking out on a person....you're walking out on the family)

I feel better now :)

The first and second part of this entry might seem like different and unrelated issues, but for me they are connected. Life is so exhausting sometimes, it was nice to have someone to come home to. It's unlikely I can have that again for a while because of what that would mean to my son (would it be wise to bring someone into our lives who could just pick up and leave at any moment - do I want to risk that again for HIM. It's O.K. to put myself in a risky position, but do I even consider putting my son's emotional well-being and stability at risk?) and that's a whole other post...